Far From the Hone I Love
by leibyisroel
Summary: Jeannie thinks about adopting the little boy with AIDS


Disclaimer: I do not own, nor do I have any relation siwth anyone from ER, nor do I own the rights to the song _Far from the Home I Love_ from _FIDDLER ON THE ROOF_ by Jerry Bock and Sheldon Harnick.   
Spoilers: None   
Characters: Jeannie   
Rating: G 

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How can I hope to make you understand why I do what I do, why I must travel to a distant land far from the home I love.   
People who don't know me are wondering how I could leave a job I fought so hard to keep. After all, I got my job back, I appear healthy to those who don't know, I'm still young, why should I shut this door behind me? It's sure that they won't take me back again if I leave now of my own free will. I wonder this myself. My levels are good, I could be here for a very long time, why go away from my 'home away from home.' I've been happy here, for the most part, since I started. This is the first hospital I worked at after graduation. I've grown up here, why leave? I know everyone, I'm comfortable with everyone, everything I've learned has been taught to me here. Everyone here is my family.   
Once I was happily content to be, as I was, where I was. Close to the people who are close to me, here in the home I love.   
I was so happy to get the post here, even after running into _him_. But it all worked out. I managed to stay here and work through it all, I became quite happy here. Once I learned to stand up for myself, and build up my self-confidence, I was very happy to be here. I was **me** here, I didn't have to be anyone else. It was wonderful not to have to pretend. Everyone here has always been so supportive of me, well, almost everyone. But I've been accepted as me. I have always been happy here, no matter what was going on in my life outside. Anyone who cares about me is here, at my job, at my home away from home.   
Who could see that a man would come, who would change the shape of my dreams?   
Then that day, that fateful day, when the little boy with AIDS came in. He was so helpless, so innocent, so alone. How could I let him live his short life all alone, without family, without love? It must have been fate that brought us together. I'd never have thought it would be possible, so it wasn't even a dream.   
Helpless now I stand with him, watching older dreams grow dim.   
And yet, taking care of him would be a full-time job. I'd have to stop working, give up my dream of working as a PA at County for as long as my health would permit. I'd have to leave my family here at County, everything I've worked so hard for. Can I do it? Can I provide this poor little boy with some semblance of a real life, for as long as he will be around to have one?   
Oh what a melancholy choice this is, wanting home, wanting him.   
Can I give it all up? Will I ever be able to return to my family here at County? How can I choose? It's so hard to have to decide between this little boy with no-one, and my dreams. The little boy didn't ask for this, how can I send him into the _system_? Yet, how can I give up my 'family' here at County? No matter what I decide, I'll be sad about it. Either I'll miss my 'family' here at County, or I'll be constantly thinking of the poor little boy all alone in the 'system' with no one to really care about him.   
Closing my heart to every hope but his, leaving the home I love.   
It's not his fault. How can I ignore him? No one else will want him, it's like he has a brand on his head. He'd die all alone in the system, never knowing a tender touch, a caring word, a loving look. He never chose this life. Why should he suffer? I could make such a difference in his life, giving him a loving home, it might even extend his life. So I guess I'll have to leave County, I'm his only hope.   
Yet, there with my love, I'm home.   
He'll be worth it. I could never have a baby now, but here's one I can have. We'll be a family. It will all be worth it. I can get another job, but what's my chances of being able to adopt again? This opportunity just fell into my lap. I have to listen to the fates, and be with this little boy who needs my love and caring. I've always wanted a child, and now I have one, for at least a little while.   


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